Chemo is no joke – it’s like nuking an anthill as it kills the cancer, but it also ravages your entire body. You can see the visible side effects but some of the most annoying side effects aren’t visible to the naked eye. Your body has been fighting a war and it’s tired. Your mind has been clouded with what I call “chemo brain” and so you’re not as sharp and it’s harder to remember things. Your hormone levels are being tweaked around with injections and pills so at times you feel verifiably crazy.
That last invisible side effect – the hormones – is what I feel affects me the most on this challenge after my radical Hysterectomy and appendectomy surgery.
I like to think of myself as a pretty laid back, easy going type of person. However, on this challenge I feel I’ve had very little patience, leading to a short fuse and intense mood swings. Im not sure if it’s from the steroids, from the chemo, from multiple surgeries, or the blood transfusions, iron transfusions (just to name a few).
Things I would normally brush off eat at me non-stop. I could feel the inner rage building, creating a monster that tip-toes around inside me just waiting for something or someone to piss me off.
Feeling like I don’t have control of my emotions is one of the most frustrating side effects. When I was first told about these mood swings and menopausal craziness I laughed it off thinking, “Stop! I can control how I act and how I feel. I’ll be fine.”
Well, I learned very quickly how missing a pill or an injection drastically affects my mood.
Their are some days I’m incredibly sad for no reason, my body feels heavy and exhausted, and I don’t feel the warmth of happiness anywhere around me and the saddest part of it is when I’m in the company of happy, motivated, positive and upbeat people I still feel detached 😞.
I can go from 😂 laughing to crying 😢 as quickly as you can turn a page to a book. Most days I try really hard to mask it with a smile because I’m embarrassed to admit these things. Working with a post-chemo combat body is a daily struggle. There are days when it’s physically & emotionally draining; the inner struggle with trying to keep it all together and appear balanced as everyone else is tough!
I do have another upcoming hurdle to jump over very soon which may appear to be a setback to the naked eye; (I have to admit I often internalize it as a setback) but I will continue to talk myself off that emotional ledge whenever I start feeling that spirit of defeat and allow God to have is way and order my steps🙏🏽.
I don’t want to ever let the after-effects of chemo/treatments win so I will continue to push through as much as I can so my body can get used to overcoming the feeling of wanting to quit.
One ❤️ Love