Let me cut to the chase and get straight to the point. I have done a miserable job choosing a man just for me!
I’ve thought a lot about why I always pick the wrong guy, and I’ve come to a few conclusions. One reason is I can always see their potential. I can see the best version of a man who has the look that can turn on my physical attraction meter. Doesn’t sound like such a bad thing, does it? But it is because you can’t date potential. Sometimes my rose-colored glasses are so tinted I can’t see the red flags, or I simply ignore them. By the time I take those glasses off, it’s too late. I’m already hooked into yet another vicious cycle.
I can rationalize poor behavior better than anyone, (my own included, but that’s a story for a different day). I think I’m being too judgmental if I raise an eyebrow when something doesn’t sit right with me. I say to myself, “He just got divorced,” or “maybe his baby mama really is that crazy” or “he doesn’t drink THAT much”, or “maybe he really is just friends with his ex-girlfriend, there’s nothing going on”. These are some of the lies I tell myself to justify loving their potential. These are the things that slap me in the face when the inevitable breakup happens.
I never like the guy who looks good on paper. I don’t seem to be attracted to the nice guy, the guy who would lay his coat over a puddle so I wouldn’t get my shoes wet; the stable guy who drives a mid-sized sedan, and takes his mother to church on Sunday mornings. I want to like him. I really do so I put on my blazer and kitten heels and blankly stare at him while he tells me about his day at the office. I fake laugh at his humor. I kiss him and feel nothing. I picture a future with this man and it’s filled with PTA meetings, soccer matches and late dinners. The thought of this life makes me want to find the nearest high rise and jump because I usually get bored so I just end it and have to add another point to my failed relationship spreadsheet.
I don’t necessarily want a bad boy either. I’m not interested in full sleeves of tattoos, criminal records or a drug problem. I run from these guys as well. I am forever looking for someone who has both sides. I always end up with the male version of myself; the trust issues, long list of failed relationships and emotional walls so high, it’s almost impossible to knock them down.
It’s all quite exhausting. I love these men, because I know deep down there is a good human. I’ve seen glimpses of him. I just need to catch him. The problem is, he usually doesn’t want to be caught.I am a problem solver, it is my forte, I think if I can “fix” whatever is wrong, we’ll be happy. We’ll be together. This will be it. But I can’t fix someone else. Hell, it’s hard enough to try to fix whats wrong with me, and maybe that’s just it, if I focus on what is broken in others, I don’t have to see what’s broken within myself.
I’ve realized this about myself a long time ago but it’s a slow process and maybe some areas will never be completely healed but I am not a quitter. God is not through with me yet and I know my husband is out there looking for me. In the meantime and in between time I will continue to work on myself by myself.