There are too many inconvenient thoughts that I stifle with on a daily basis. Yet, when they finally catch up to me and I try to tease them out, they don’t quite come out right. I can’t begin to find the words to express them. I do try; but after all, I know my words will never capture my sincere thoughts in its true essence, and neither will my words be understood with true intentions no matter how much I try. We’re all fighting our own battles, but I wish I could fight mine somewhere closer to the surface. I want to be able to provide people with a verbal explanation – for the times I shut them out when I really need them closer than ever, for the times I crumbled at the most harmless gesture. I want people to know despite the way I often seem, I don’t wish to be a closed book. I want them to see there’s more to me behind my typical easy-going, laid-back, extremely stand offish self, just as much behind every other seemingly uncharacteristic side of myself.
There’s nothing terribly wrong with me, at least I hope not, but my heart is growing heavy. I fear the day I’ll be held captive by a web of my own thoughts, one that no one can possibly fathom, let alone begin to unravel.
As I spare the integrity of my thoughts at the cost of isolation, I find myself wondering if misunderstanding could possibly be any more unsettling than this painful lack of understanding. Perhaps I should be giving myself and everyone else a chance – but the fear of rejection keeps me hostage and the words on this page is all I can manage to let out. I hope and sincerely pray with all my heart that you my friend reading this and most importantly to my relatives carefully decrypt them with care knowing despite my absence in your life I do love you and want nothing but the very best for each and every single one of you.