You asked me some time ago what I knew about you. We were lying in your bed; both staring at the ceiling and it immediately struck me as an odd question. Perhaps a vapid question. But my need to please has always been greater than my willingness to point out when I think someone is asking me a question I’ve answered before so I stalled by making a lame joke while I mentally compiled the facts of your life that I’ve learned during the past few years.
Like statistics I riddled off that I know your favorite color is green and that your mother is the most important person in your life. I told you that you used to fight in your teenage years but you didn’t like who you were then – even though you always felt like you had a point to prove.
I touched on our very 1st breakup that destroyed us and caused you a subsequent three months of drinking and thousands of dollars lost to the bottles and club fights. Half-jokingly, I mentioned your seemingly slutty past and its relevance to my annoyance upon your mention of it.
On a tangent, I pointed out my irritation for your need to travel state to state creating that X Factor experience for the most turn up mixers, party appearances & VIP status. It does irritate me to this day, however, as I told you, I would never stand in your way of making a great living for yourself most people wish they could do.
I remember pausing on this note before continuing. I told you how I know when you’re drunk. Your eyes glass over slightly and become softer; their usual steeliness becoming almost kind. The hard lines of your face ease as your smile becomes more frequent. I love your smile. There’s a boy-ishness to your drunk self and I get the idea that for a few hours, your pain is forgotten.
Of course, You tickled me in the hopes of coaxing out my reasons for why I let us crash and burn previously, by not putting up a fight to hold on to what we had but my stubbornness proved too much and you eventually relented. We both fell asleep and the conversation has since been forgotten.
I can’t help but think of all the other things I should’ve said that night. There are many. I’m the kind of person that pays attention and there’s no doubt you’ve given me much to notice.
You’ve branded me with your perceptive; one who reads others well but is difficult for others to read you. but I have to disagree. True, you’re hard to understand at first, but you’re much like a spool; as soon as one thread comes loose, everything else unravels.
I know that you still have a lot of hurt you need to release and I also know that you have a gentle spirit under that hard exterior. And as much as you like to reiterate that you’re emotionless, I know that to be false. I know you pick on others’ insecurities because of your own and I know you describe yourself as a horrible person because you have emotionally hurt others, even though you think your lame excuse of them being warned justifies your poor behavior. Those are your fronts and often they seem limitless. But it wasn’t long before I saw right through all of them.
One night you were holding me, thinking I was asleep and you kissed my back. It occurred to me then that I knew you not only cared for me but you still love me and you’re not really sure how to process this. I know that right before you kiss me, you always smile😊 I know you make me feel beautiful. You make me feel like a priority in your life when we are together. I know I can trust you – a feeling I had previously thought was lost and never to be redeemed. I know you’ll make me do things I wouldn’t normally do. I know you make me feel confident.
I know that you’ll never love anyone as much as you love your work – a so-called deplorable trait that I respect and truthfully, covet. I know you’re smarter and more driven than you let on, but I also know that you wonder if this is all there is. Hell I know I wonder enough for the both of us. I know that you crave the life of a nomad but I believe you to be more of a homebody – you’ll stay wherever you settle and it’ll be a place that captures your heart.
I know you’re not ready to let me go because we both know the chemistry between us is super hot, but we also know it can backfire and destroy this place. God knows the two of us have experienced enough emotional destruction.
I know you think your no good for me. It was when we were laying in bed; starring at the ceiling that it occurred to me you might be right. You’re hot and cold, back and forth, up and down. You talk in circles and I lose my breath trying to keep up at times. You contradict yourself. However, you believe your clear and straight-forward; an “open book” – a theory which is laughable by the way.
I know you are unmoving, stubborn and maddening. You are confused. You are angry. You are hurt. You are broken.
But so am I…
When it comes down to it, here is what I know; I know that your smile releases my own. I know that you are, in fact, good for me and I am good for you. I know that you care. I know that you’re a good person.
After a lifetime of planning my every move, I’m ready to let the chips fall where they may. And if knowing all this means knowing that I have to let you go, then that’s okay too because I can’t keep waiting for something that may or may not happen between us. You have now brought me to a place I thought I’d never see again. A place where I can let my hair down every now and then just to have fun, a place of endless possibilities, financial stability, and enjoyment.
I owe that to you, this I know.👫