The past 8 weeks have truly been life-changing for me in so many topsy-turvy ways. I know a lot of people may have read my recent blog entries & have read what Ive endured. I created another inventory check list of my life yesterday to take with me to my appointment and in spite of all the bad I’m extremely blessed. I wouldn’t change anything about it because all the good, all the bad, & all the uncertainties has brought me to this pivotal point in my life. God allowed it all to happen for a reason, some of those reasons I don’t quite understand at this point but even with all the recent emotional pain, and ugly situations that I’ve had to go through alone over the past 47 weeks it’s truly working out for my good & all of Gods glory.
My grief therapy session yesterday was an eye-opening experience; it’s not that I didn’t already know some of the things that she was telling me but the deep part of the session occurred when she asked about my dad & how my relationship is like with him. The more I spoke about the brokenness in that relationship my therapist was then able to vividly connect the brokenness to that relationship with the past relationships with my children’s fathers. And yes, “fathers” which is plural which means their are three different men & four children that are alive and then I have my precious angel Destiny Lauren whose dad would’ve made dad number four.
I am not in any way shape or form ashamed or embarrassed to admit that fact because now I know why I haven’t had a successful relationship thus far with a man. It all directly ties back to my broken relationship with my dad. By nature I’m a people pleaser & that part of me is usually taken as a weakness instead of kindness.
I thought I had forgiven my dad for all the damaged that’s been done to me & my mom but I found out yesterday what I thought was forgiveness was just me learning how to suppress the anger, hurt, pain, & disappointment over the pass 23 years. It’s imperative for me to forgive my dad in order to free myself from all the resentment I’ve walked around with all these years. The resentment has clouded my better judgement with men. If I want to have a winning chance developing a healthy romantic relationship with a man forgiveness is my cure.
Here’s a little-known fact: for both boys and girls, the relationship with the opposite-sex parent has the profoundest of bearings on whether or not we grow up to be happy, serene, healthy, fulfilled individuals. The way in which her father interacted with her as she was growing up is a major factor in how a woman’s nervous system is wired, which in turn impacts her physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, her self-image, her view of the world, and the ease – or otherwise – with which she loves and trusts as a woman.
In the mean time & between time I’m still coping with the loss of my baby girl Destiny and is in dire need of peace with it all.